Eric’s used to having new family. When your mom’s a serial monogamist they tend to come with the territory. They never seem to stick for very long but that’s little comfort when your new brother is going to be Chuck Bass. His reputation precedes him. Arrogant, rampant, intoxicated, hedonistic Chuck Bass. The guy owns a strip club for fuck’s sake! And now they were going to have to shack up under the same roof. Admittedly, the suite was also shared with twelve highly trained staff but still, it was an imposition.

Chuck’s mom left for a spa getaway two years ago and hasn’t been back since. ‘Self discovery’ she calls it. It’s fine because they were never what you’d call close. Chuck’s a man’s man; he knows how to screw women, how to charm them, how to wrap them round his little finger, but he’s never really liked or needed them so she was no great loss. Anyway, his dad’s happy enough fucking every cocktail waitress and nubile young hostess in town, so with time she gets mentioned less and less. Then both Basses are struck unexpectedly, unwelcomely and unshakably with a thing that feels a lot like love. Chuck craves then destroys his Queen B. Bart proposes to Lily in front of all the family gathered together at Christmas time. Chuck’s in Monaco.

Eric’s not the one who needs watching anymore. Not when Chuck’s around to get arrested for being drunk and disorderly (“Everyone drinks on their birthday”), or indecent exposure (“The cops interrupted a beautiful moment between Clarissa, Rebecca and I”), possession (“Weed! Don’t they have vice rings to bust or criminal overlords to interrogate? It’s persecution!”) or any of his ‘hobbies’. It’s kind of nice not to be the fucked up one for once. And it’s not like his mom or sister forget about him, they just have other things to worry about. He gets it, Lily has to organise the perfect wedding and Serena seems to have her own shit to deal with.

The lovely Serena’s not talking to him. It’s ludicrous really; all he did was make a little contribution to her body lotion, and it’s not like it’s not good for the skin! He wouldn’t care, it’s just that Nathaniel’s giving him the cold shoulder too ever since the whole Blair incident. She’s not returning his calls either and he’s not going to beg. A Bass never begs. But he’s finding that it’s not much fun coming up with nefarious schemes if you’ve got no one to applaud your brilliance. So that’s when he buys a new scarf.

Chuck buys him a scarf. Eric’s not quite sure what this means but he thinks it’s probably a nice gesture. A few days later he finds himself being invited to go shopping as apparently he urgently needs to be “less pedestrian”. Chuck demands that they take the limo. They buy a few bags worth of garish clothes that Eric will never never wear. He’s gay, but he’s not that gay.

The highlights have to go. Eric’s whole hair is a problem really. What self-respecting teenager has feathering at the back? And curtains on his forehead!? He needs be taught that retro doesn’t mean looking like an escaped boy band member from the Nineties. If he had hair like that maybe Chuck might have attempted suicide too.

Eric can tell Chuck stuff that he can't tell other people. He's kind of a moral vacuum so he doesn't judge when you say stuff that most people might find a bit fucked up. And he's unshockable, so when Eric tells him that he's been seeing someone ("is she hot?" "..he" "is he hot?") he doesn't react much at all, except to place a pack of condoms under his pillow and wink at him over the breakfast table. Maybe having a Chuck around might not be too bad after all.